"I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don’t want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing out loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift."
—
Shauna Niequist (via modernhepburn)
..I remember when she came and spoke in chapel my freshman year. i bought her book. It’s amazing. So many tidbits of happiness… I need togo find it and re-read it.
(via diannawhite)
(Source: atomos, via kimberknee)
Untitled.
A few years ago in the office at BU, my amazing friend LJ told me about this blog/friend of hers. We sat there in Stowell for hours reading his posts and since then I have (kind of creepily) kept up. Dominic is a gifted writer and someone who really uses his talents to change the world. Check out his blog -http://www.dominiclaing.com/
Here is a post that paints a much better picture of what I have been wanting to shout the last month or so. A little edited because although he uses the “f” word in a way that sounds almost elegant, my mom reads this and I love and respect her ;-)
~~~
I
Two months ago, I moved across the country. I left everything comfortable and drove 3,000 miles East. In my head, I’m still 40 minutes from Santa Monica. But in reality, I’m two miles from the Liberty Bell and a four-iron’s distance from Jersey.
I’m living in a house in a neighborhood most people would walk around, if they were brave enough to walk around in it, and ask me, “Here? You moved here? On purpose?”
But neither geography nor sociology concerns me, not at this moment.
What concerns me is how little I’ve talked about, in the past two months, romantic relationships, and how joyful I am to be rid of the entire f-ing conversation.
II
A year ago, I sat in a coffee shop and listened to a group of friends talk about love and relationships. Now when I say ‘love and relationships’, you create a framework in your mind of what you think you talk about when you talk about ‘love and relationships.’
All the more if you’re a Christian, because talking about ‘love and relationships’ as a Christian always came off, for some reason, as braver than talking about Moses or predestination.
But I’ve never talked about oxytocin, the “love hormone” that plays a role in pair bonding, empathy, anxiety, social recognition and orgasm. This made up the centerpiece of their conversation. Because to them, there was no ‘calling,’ no ‘courting,’ no ‘covenant’ or ‘destiny as a couple.’ No one did devotions together and no one talked about love languages.
All that mattered was Oxytocin, Vasopressin, Dopamine, Norepinephrine, Serotonin, Testosterone, and Estrogen. Love was a many splendored, multi-chemical combination. The idea of Love as a purely chemical reaction is a provoking one, and an idea I’d never been exposed to until that moment.
It scared me. Not so much the idea of Love being chemically induced, but the idea that the entire rest of the world was having a conversation, and I had no idea.
III
Four months ago, someone was over my house. He was in the area, auditioning for a singing competition, and the group was talking about ‘love and relationships.’
Someone brought up the conversation about couples who don’t kiss before they get married, and this guy seemed to be arguing its merits. Couldn’t tell, and couldn’t care less. Someone else started bringing up points to the contrary, but I grew more and more frustrated.
Someone else other than the other two someones previously mentioned asked if I was alright, because I have a terrible poker face and people can tell when I hate something.
I stood up, looked at the idiot trying his luck at a singing competition and said, “This whole conversation’s pointless. The only place this conversation is happening is here.”
I decided right then I didn’t want to talk about things for the sole reason of making myself feel better or validating beliefs everyone already knew they had.
And then I left.
IV
More recently, a pastor spoke about singleness. A married pastor spoke about singleness. A married pastor with nothing particularly insightful to say spoke about singleness.
My experience has been that the church has its head up its ass when it comes to relationship status and its relative importance. This past year, I’ve met entrepreneurs who’re changing lives in Canada, Pakistan, India, Guatemala, Portland and New York.
All of them female. All of them committed and successful. And not one of them derives any strength or puts any grand focus on their marital status. They saw something wrong in the world, and they set about changing it.
Phrases like “Get Shit Done” and “Change the F—-ing World” cycle through their heads and work themselves into every word and deed.
“True Love Waits” never seemed so antiquated or trivial.
Try talking about something that matters and see what happens.
When I hear a pastor huffing and puffing about relationships, it reminds me of a man glancing up to the sky and commenting on the weather. “Some clouds, eh?”
Peace be with you, and go f—k yourself.
V
I’m not writing to write about Oxytocin, the merits of waiting to kiss until marriage, or a biblical basis for Singleness and/or Married Life. A relationship status, to me, is a non-issue. It matters not whether you’re single or married, divorced, widowed, in a relationship, part of an online dating service, giving out your number to complete strangers or living in a cave.
What matters to me, as a Christian, is the relationship I have with God.
Do I concern myself with the same things as a nun who’s served the addicted and homeless in Philadelphia for over thirty years? What does it benefit me, as a Christian, to worry about my dating life? The moment I moved 3,000 miles across the country, that’s the moment I stopped worrying about the old fu—-ing paradigm of relationships, of ‘what it means’ to be single.
What it does mean to be single?
It means taxes are easier and you buy fewer groceries.
Being single or married has nothing to do with your personality or your relationship with God. I know good people who single, good people who are married, assholes who are single, and assholes who are married.
When someone brings up relationships in Church, it’s almost always “singleness v. married,” and it always sets up a paradigm where you’re forced to choose one over the other, and if there’s one chosen over the other, that infers one is better than the other.
When you personally discuss it, do you say ‘singleness and married life?’ Do you say ‘singleness or married life?’ The first option is inclusive, while the second’s exclusive. And which one you use gives away your position.
Every. Single. (And/Or Married). Time.
The ‘debate’ about single life and married life is a faulty premise and a pointless conversation that does nothing to further Gospel in this world. You know God if you’re single, and you know God if you’re married. The only one who becomes more or less available if your marital status changes is you.
God, so I’ve heard, is always present.
And that’s what, at this point in my life, concerns me most. God’s presence. 3,000 miles, a new address, a new job and new friends have done much in the way of turning everything on its head. If I need anything to stay the same, it’s God.
If there’s anything I need more in life, it’s God.
If God showed up and wanted to talk about ‘courting,’ I’d throw myself into the Delaware.
Please God, for the love of You, don’t change.
Because I’m having a hard enough time with everything else, not just relationships. Because I spent too many years looking at porn and building up my definition of “intimacy” on faulty premises. I spent too many years having conversations I thought mattered, but when push came to shove, turned out not to matter at all.
Because I’m having all-new conversations about things I never talked about before; conversations about bike helmets and cheesesteaks and cigarettes and videos and creativity and grace and alcohol and violence and decay and brotherhood…
…and not a single thing about dating.
And I love it.
I believe myself to be a tender and loving man capable of intimacy, but I derive all of that from my relationship with God, and that’s where it f—-ing Alpha’s and Omega’s.
I believe you to be tender and loving and capable of intimacy, and I believe all of that because God created you, and devoting yourself to that relationship is the fu—-ing Alpha and Omega.
You don’t have to have the same conversation that hits the same points every single time. Yes, you’re a woman of God. Yes, you’re made in His image…
And that’s all that matters.
The “you deserve a man who loves you” section infers that you need a man to be whole. If you get married, great. If not, great. I don’t care, and neither should you. You deserve a man who loves you as much as you deserve a golden toilet or a fruit smoothie. We, as Christians, deserve nothing. God has shown us Grace.
Alpha. Omega.
It doesn’t matter as much as you think it does. It might not matter at all.
Maybe someone told you, through word and/or deed, romantic relationships, or a lack thereof, defined you, for better or for worse.
They’re full of shit.
And so here’s my promise: If you want to talk about Proverbs 31 and how to use your time as a single person to grow closer to God, I’m gonna leave the room.
But if you’ve thrown your heart through a prism, and God split it into a million different rays of light, and you’re making sense of how your relationship with God has changed your view of every single solitary element of His creation…
…now we’re talking.
[Flash 10 is required to watch video]
Daisy’s new song
14 days, Daniel and Coffee.
So when my pastor, Wes, mentioned a few weeks back about fasting meat I was like “oh ok thats totally easy. I live off smoothies these days anyways. And praising God as my focus for a week? Sounds good I have SO much to be thankful for (as ya’ll know)”
Then he HAD to bring the love of my life (after Jesus, family, you guys) into this. Coffee. WHY!?!? Within seconds of hearing that I began to justify all the reasons why I should fast something else. Literally I began to bring up medical excuses as to why my body just can’t handle going without it- (yes yes I know, true addict ok) and I was planning throughout week one to fast something else, anything else for week two.
Then in the still small whisper way that He usually speaks to me, Jesus said “that is the point. Sacrifice isn’t sacrifice if it is easy to give that comfort up. Sacrificing myself for you was painful in more ways than you will EVER imagine but- you are worth it. Am I worth YOUR itty baby sacrifice?”
Oh dang.
I wish I could tell you that I was convicted and committed right there. But I am stubborn and thank God He still works with me and loves me through it. I went all the way in my stubbornness even to the point of picking up a mug on day 1 of week 2 when I really decided that I was going to do this and do it for Him. It sucks and I am irritable, shaky, emotional and dizzy with the headaches. But the awesome thing is, there is a part two of this particular week and that is praying for someone else. One of my focuses was my job. I absolutely adore this job, and that deserves a whole other post because seriously it’s awesome. But the thing that has definitely been an adjustment has been going from a nonprofit/ministry/Christian environment to a sales/business/money focused industry. Some of it has been a nice change (sadly) and some of it has been just more challenging. But they all know where my passions are and my desires to serve Him with any monetary blessings that might come my way.
So. This morning was a YMCA prayer breakfast thing that initially my boss was going to send me to because my roommate, Yessy was going to be there for her job. Last night we were talking at home about how we weren’t sure if I was going on behalf of my job or my boss. But around 11pm I get a text saying she is going to go. Ok, sweet. After the breakfast we had our weekly staff meeting and she comes and is in TEARS saying ‘how beautiful the prayer breakfast was and how she’s realized she has been looking for and missing something and now she knows that it’s God. She wants our office to be known for being number one in our sales but that we need to be giving Him glory! And that she knows that we have all been to hell and back personally as well as professionally and that He is the only reason we are all here and have a chance to be successful etc etc..” Everyone was tearing up and then we had a prayer time. Afterwards we basically all agreed that even though we are a “faith based business” (I had no clue… haha!) that needs to be our focus in everything we do.
Amazing. Really neat to see how God answers prayers and how He teaches me things everyday and through so many ways. Sometimes it’s a big prayer breakfast and other times it’s when I decide to “put. the. mug. down!”
Why Guarding Your Heart Isn’t Enough.
At some point, you have to go all in.
Christians love to talk about “guarding your heart,” especially in the context of relationships.
But to me, it sounds like a cliché. And I hate clichés.
When it comes to our relationships, I think we’re missing something. Jesus summarizes our highest command as: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these” (Mark 12:30-31).
If the heart is only one quarter of the greatest commandment in the Bible, why are we emphasizing the heart like it’s the only factor in love? And what of Jeremiah’s claim that: “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure? Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9)
Perhaps love doesn’t begin with romance—and goes much deeper than the heart.
Going “All In” for Love
According to Mark 12:30, Jesus wants us to be all in. And when we love Him with our all, it will help shape our perspective of earthly relationships, romantic and otherwise. When we are totally firm and secure in God’s love for us, we will be less worried about “guarding our hearts” from pain and heartbreak as we relate to others.
Jesus is the greatest example of this. He loved His Father so much He was not afraid of getting hurt by loving others. On the contrary, He died for relationships. Jesus sacrificed everything for love. He did this to restore not only our relationship with Him but our relationships with each other. His body was broken for us—not just His heart. Clearly, Jesus wasn’t afraid of a broken heart, mind or body. What would happen if we had the same perspective?
Relationships are risky business, and there’s no guarantee you won’t end up with a broken heart. But because of Christ’s love, the fear of a broken heart no longer has to be the motivating factor. 1 John 4:18 says: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” We can fulfill the greatest commandment because of God’s perfect example in the flesh.
Christ’s mission was to leave Paradise and sacrifice Himself on the altar of love. Even when it appears Jesus struggles with going through with this plan, He prays: “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will” (Matthew 26:42). His whole life was dedicated to making us whole; He loved us with His mind, body, heart and strength so that we might also be able to love wholly.
The Heart’s Best Defense
In my early 20s, I was always afraid of getting into a relationship for fear I’d get hurt. I’d try to do everything perfect. Not that my behavior was wrong, but sometimes we can be more concerned with getting things right and checking off all the relationship boxes that we even miss the compatibility factor. The idea of being “in a relationship” just seems more appealing than being single. It’s easy to obsess so much about getting relationships perfect that we forget about our most important relationship—our relationship with God.
When our concern for God becomes clouded or replaced entirely by pursuing, pleasing and protecting our earthly relationships, we’re in danger. If we’re not paying attention, we can easily miss what God is trying to show us about our relationships. He’s ready to show us how much we can accomplish for Him regardless of our relationship status.
From the moment we wake up to the moment we lay our head down, we have the grand opportunity and honor to shower God with our love.
How can we love God with our all? Through prayer, thank God daily for the things He has so graciously given. Expectantly read the Word, asking God to speak. For the nature lovers, take a walk outdoors and remind yourself of God’s creation, of your part in an incredible love story. For the person on the go, if your schedule won’t allow any extra time, recall a verse from memory, or be mindful as you thank God for your meals. Over time, watch as your love grows while you remain in Him.
Spiritual discipline may not seem like the most glamorous relationship advice, but it can literally restore your heart, mind, body and strength. The next time someone tells you the “just guard your heart” cliché, you can confidently share with him or her that the best defense of the heart is to first give it fully to God.
Be still and know that He is God.
He works on behalf of those who wait.
He has amazing and wonderful plans for me. Oh for grace to trust Him more!
“We become so addicted to the next best thing, we miss the blessing of the meantime.”
Wow. Convicted.
Today I was exchanging wedding stories with a friend of mine. She was telling me about a bride who screamed “WOO HOO!” before the priest was finished announcing them man and wife. Ha. I have been to round-about 30 weddings since I started college so I was able to share a couple pretty hilarious…
I have been thinking about this a lot, and have had a lot of friends ask me “but how do you know if you’re compatible with that person?” and it just makes me sad because cant we build emotional and spiritual intimacy??
Thursday Paintday.
“We don’t always get it right the first time.
And what we get “wrong”…
*include that.*
Creativity is not so elusive as to hide behind our first drafts.
Creativity is in our first drafts. And our second, third, and so on…
We can’t erase paint,
No.
But as most artists attest,
We can paint over with new,
Bold
Strokes.
~
Beloved,
Keep creating,
Keep painting,
Until
What you see on the canvas
Reflects who you are
On the inside.”
I.
“Expectations can kill joy. The joy-filled humbly don’t have expecations. And are surprised by the fullest of life!”
This week I heard something else about “expectations”. I heard that they kill relationships.
II.
Expecting romance, grace, love or gentleness. Getting instead the overflow of a bad day or week or just time old hurts.
Have no expectations and get only surprising gifts in all forms. I am learning this. Slowly. Finding moments of gratitude whispered through gnashed teeth that want to shout frustration.
Whispering gratitude brings calm through the hurricane I can be. My journal of graces is filling-mainly because I go to it with thanks when I want to storm through each situation. Evidence of my weakness and His abundant, overflowing Mercy.
III.
Last night, when not recieving the grace I expected (felt I deserve)- I had to grit my teeth and thank God for the fact that I ultimatly deserve none and yet He gives it to me every minute.
IV.
This morning I was supposed to meet a friend for coffee. He was a little late, and it allowed me the slowness that I needed and had lost in trying to get to our meeting. Breathe. Peace.
When he got there we started talking about an event that I had been able to help plan this past weekend. After asking about it, I spilled all the frustrations of people not showing up and failing to meet my expectations. Again, with that? Reflecting on this after he left, I stayed back. How does a leader have no expectations and still get growth, change?
With Grace handed out over and over the same way I receive every morning? By example?
Later I got a text from him with the 9th verse of the 6th chapter of Nehemiah. “They were all trying to frighten us, thinking ‘their hands will get too weak for the work and it will not get completed.’ But I prayed ‘strengthen my hands’”
In my version it ends with “so I continued the work with greater determination”.
V.
Ran some errands after our chat-(I’ve been spending a lot of time in my kitchen lately. It’s become almost a ritual that at least once a week I try out a handful of baking recipes while my roommates sit on our barstools with magazines and Pinterest. So kitchen stuff has been on my mind…) In my heart I had a few silly girly desires but thought “I’m not going to find that and especially not in my budget!”
But it was all there. Abundantly. And most of it at the Dollar Store.
Blessings poured onto me in the form of whisks, aprons, mixing bowls, heart cookie cutters. Exceeding my non-expectations.
VI.
Drove home in the sunshine with my bounty and sang thankfulness on my Vespa because the wind was blowing through my hair and the warmth of a perfect day was on my shoulders. Joy in the smallest of things.
Trying to take captive this beauty on a Thursday, I took my laptop and my list of gratitudes and went to the coffee shop near my house. Working in the fresh air.
This, this is the fullness of life. No expectations, receiving surprise joy.
But I prayed “strengthen my hands” (so I continued the work with greater determination)
This work, of finding fullness in smallness. In having no expectations. This work of being recklessly abandoned for something bigger than I even comprehend.
Confession: sometimes I don’t trust God.
I guess it’s not so much that I actively don’t trust God to make things ok, but that I trust myself more.
what kind of crazyness is that? It’s hard for me to trust, because i think i see the entire picture. i think i know what’s best for me. I am learning over and over that when I make plans, I don’t always end up happy and fancy-free.
Learning over and over again that trust is the unclenching of the hand and the calmness of breath.
“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understandings; in all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.” [Proverbs 3:5-6]
Sometimes I need to stop and just read that slowly. I have been working through finding Graces-thankfulness-but it needs to be a balance. I’ve been flipping it around, and acknowledging what He’s already done. They are linked though. Trusting for the provision before it comes to pass, then thanking when it does.
…Trust isn’t easy. it’s hard almost all of the time. but beauty comes from letting go and remembering that He is the only One who is looking out for our best interest all of the time. We whine and scream and cry about how desperately we feel like something’s gotta give. We need our wish to be granted. right. now. and then when God steps in and breathes the warm whisper of provision, all we can say back is, “no better timing, Lord.” and we acknowledge His understanding. and we trust Him with more and more of our hearts….
But I want to trust Him before. I want thanksgiving before the gift.
“A nail is driven out by another nail; habit is overcome by habit”
That is what Erasmus said.
When I read this, I am surprised because I had never known and I am sad for all that would have changed if only I had.
This is partially why I am taking a bit of a break from facebook.
No, I do not think that it is the devil nor do I think I will find some deep revelation from this time.
Simply put, I’m craving community. True, real, raw, ugly (beautiful), authentic, intentional connectedness. As I keep reiterating; these past few weeks have been really, intense? I feel (and sound) a bit like a mad woman until I try to explain it to one of my soul friends, Meghan, and she too is at a loss for words about these weeks in her life. I think the theme swirls around change, growth and big things happening in this year. Although, how 2011 could be topped, I have no clue!
(Sidenote #1. I’m thankful for friends who ask how you are and wait until the conversation gets to the real answer).
So here it goes. Hammering out the nail of one sentence updates on my status. The nail of looking up close friend’s timeline instead of just texting (or, calling!) them. The nail of “oh yeah, I saw that on facebook!” and “oh my gosh did you see…”.
Replacing with the habit of cards instead of wall posts. Phone calls, quiet times, finishing art projects, baking with piano music background and finally reading the stacks of books I have around my room.
(Sidenote #2. I’m really trusting the friend who changed my password so let’s hope nothing fishy happens!)
It is also the first time I really have made this blog “known” to that world. It is liberating but very scary to have all this out there. But I guess that is how life is too. It’s easier to be the person we manufacture (via status updates, place check-ins and carefully selected profile pictures) rather than let more depth just hang out. Bare and exposed.
And this place, is where I share my weaknesses. My lessons through the days and my failures and how with His Grace, We triumph through them.
(Sidenote #3. So I will boast in those weakness, in those insufficiencies. Because I am clothed in a Grace that covers all of my deficits.)
….may my weakness be my only source of pride.
