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January 01, 2013
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Some people tease me because I like to play a game of sharing our “high’s” and “low’s” of the day over dinner. The conversation starter is met with moans and groans and distracted hmm mm’s from screen lit faces but once it starts it often opens a can of warmth or honesty or rawness that wouldn’t have come otherwise. It’s a connection that doesn’t require a signal. The first day of this new year left me reflecting on my own highs and lows of 2012 but instead of relying on a black and white list of an end of the year reel, I wished for a do-over. Last year, when the clock struck midnight I was surrounded by people who I only know now through filtered pictures and hashtagged updates. The world was full of promise and the puzzle seemed to be falling into place.  But as one by one those pieces fell away and I was left with hurdles to jump, climb, limp over- my bare heart will be honest and say that it feels like a failure. How do you step hopeful into the next year when you tripped messy through the last one? How do you stand brave and ring it in when you are still tired? But then I think of standing in the middle of the street at midnight as the clock struck 2013, alone in that moment in awe at the explosions in the sky- stronger, surer, straighter-until I am almost knocked over by 3 teenage boys with bear hugs and a tipsy coworker grabbing my arm and whispering “this is your year” and a kiss on the cheek and a quiet “I love you” and I know that any falls this year will be only forward. Failing? (What feels like losing is really gaining experience) Fearful? (Fear is always the first step of faith). And I work myself up to going after the impossible today as I work on my to do lists:   It’s on you. That’s where it starts and ends. (It’s on you & what you want & how hard you’re willing to hustle & how relentless you will be when people tell you to give up. Forget them. In the nicest sweetest way possible, forget them). These goals are yours and you’re free to run towards them. Don’t wait on the corner for the direction to reveal itself, peace will flood in when it’s right but it’s through the first footsteps. You have one shot and the world won’t cry if you don’t use it. It’s on you. Forget what you “think” the world is about, forget the status update or the mirror pic and remember what it is about: Humility, people. People trying to make this hard thing more graceful for each other.   So strive to do good, strive to be the best version of yourself. Reflect. Learn from that year that made you feel weak. Stop letting people bend and break your heart. Play the music louder. Scream along with it if you need to. Walk away from anyone or anything toxic. You deserve better than that (and you have got to learn the truth of that sentence). Learn to stand in front of the mirror without cringing. Let it out, say the damn things you have needed to say. Make them good. Make them worth someone turning their head to listen to you.  So start. Start small, start slow, start sprinting, start however. just start. It all starts with a simple question- are you worth it enough to start?

Some people tease me because I like to play a game of sharing our “high’s” and “low’s” of the day over dinner. The conversation starter is met with moans and groans and distracted hmm mm’s from screen lit faces but once it starts it often opens a can of warmth or honesty or rawness that wouldn’t have come otherwise. It’s a connection that doesn’t require a signal.

The first day of this new year left me reflecting on my own highs and lows of 2012 but instead of relying on a black and white list of an end of the year reel, I wished for a do-over.


Last year, when the clock struck midnight I was surrounded by people who I only know now through filtered pictures and hashtagged updates. The world was full of promise and the puzzle seemed to be falling into place.  But as one by one those pieces fell away and I was left with hurdles to jump, climb, limp over- my bare heart will be honest and say that it feels like a failure.


How do you step hopeful into the next year when you tripped messy through the last one? How do you stand brave and ring it in when you are still tired?


But then I think of standing in the middle of the street at midnight as the clock struck 2013, alone in that moment in awe at the explosions in the sky- stronger, surer, straighter-until I am almost knocked over by 3 teenage boys with bear hugs and a tipsy coworker grabbing my arm and whispering “this is your year” and a kiss on the cheek and a quiet “I love you” and I know that any falls this year will be only forward.


Failing? (What feels like losing is really gaining experience)


Fearful? (Fear is always the first step of faith).


And I work myself up to going after the impossible today as I work on my to do lists:

 

It’s on you. That’s where it starts and ends.


(It’s on you & what you want & how hard you’re willing to hustle & how relentless you will be when people tell you to give up. Forget them. In the nicest sweetest way possible, forget them).


These goals are yours and you’re free to run towards them. Don’t wait on the corner for the direction to reveal itself, peace will flood in when it’s right but it’s through the first footsteps. You have one shot and the world won’t cry if you don’t use it. It’s on you.


Forget what you “think” the world is about, forget the status update or the mirror pic and remember what it is about: Humility, people. People trying to make this hard thing more graceful for each other.  

So strive to do good, strive to be the best version of yourself. Reflect. Learn from that year that made you feel weak. Stop letting people bend and break your heart. Play the music louder. Scream along with it if you need to. Walk away from anyone or anything toxic. You deserve better than that (and you have got to learn the truth of that sentence).


Learn to stand in front of the mirror without cringing. Let it out, say the damn things you have needed to say.


Make them good. Make them worth someone turning their head to listen to you.


 So start. Start small, start slow, start sprinting, start however. just start. It all starts with a simple question- are you worth it enough to start?

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December 18, 2012

And when the texts pour in and the emails pour in and the news pours in and the radio is pouring in and all we need is (a) love (letter).

….And maybe a chunky soft cable knit sweater. One to slip on and pull up and wrap around your hands while you wrap your fingers around a cup of tea and curl up to soothe yourself.
 

Maybe it’s one of them days because you figure your heart is failing when it yells frustrating curses, or when you feel like a Christmas failure in the age of Pinterest or when the holidays brings you a sadness you can’t explain despite it being your favorite time of year—(and don’t ask me how I know all these things.)
 

Sometimes the only thing you know by heart is that your heart knows it hurts.
 

(Before I write further, it is important to put this out in the open: I speak words of optimism and joy and I believe fully in them. However, as long as I can remember I have been a broken hearted girl. I have always been for other people’s stories and wouldn’t have it any other way. )
 

But its on them days, when it’s hard to wrap thoughts around what your heart is feeling, it’s time to simply delight in the simple syllables:
 

I miss you. I love you. I need you.
 

(the hardest to recite)
 

It’s often on these days when love words are needed most that the only adoration you get is from a John Mayer song that was recorded years ago about daughters and you think to yourself- “wouldn’t it be lovely to be the girl who puts the colors inside of the world?”. Keep your headphones in and let the salty goodness flow, tears of ache and the missing getting thick.
 

On them days you will curse songs on the radio that bring an ache to your bones. There will be days when all you wish for is someone who knows the depths of your heart and loves every achy breaky piece of it. 

There will these days when all you can do is sit on the kitchen counter spooning peanut butter into your mouth as dinner and with feet perched up watch the most hauntingly beautiful Christmas movie and just allow yourself to feel. Let it wash over and let it spill into your sweater and mug.
 

But then let it go. For your own good, let it go and realize that these same hands wiping the mess off your cheeks are the same hands that have held dirty little fingers and toes of children all over the world who have nothing, the same hands that have used the universal language of hugging to comfort a woman who has seen the depths of pain. These are the same hands that have protected, given, worked, created and loved all over the world. On them days, marvel at the good that these two hands have had the privelage of doing and thank the Giver of hands and life and breath.
 

And place those hands on your sweatered hips and get outside and face the world and remember that when our believing runs out God’s loving runs on.

And that’s the best place for miracles, right where we don’t always have it in us to believe.

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December 12, 2012
Drive a lil slower tonight and take in the beauty that is living on lawns this time of year. It will be gone soon so take it all in- “Through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow… From now on your troubles will be miles away”. —(Lines I never thought to believe in, hand clutched to chest, until the red cups come out and the white lights bring a tear to my eye and it’s the 31 day span made for Joy, Faith, Love and Simplicity.) That’s the Hope in it all. The delicacy. The possibility. The chance to believe…and it sure is wonderful-all of this warmth and it’s ability to take you in and hold you by a hope you never knew you could have.

Drive a lil slower tonight and take in the beauty that is living on lawns this time of year. It will be gone soon so take it all in-

“Through the years we all will be together, if the fates allow… From now on your troubles will be miles away”.

—(Lines I never thought to believe in, hand clutched to chest, until the red cups come out and the white lights bring a tear to my eye and it’s the 31 day span made for Joy, Faith, Love and Simplicity.) That’s the Hope in it all. The delicacy. The possibility. The chance to believe…and it sure is wonderful-all of this warmth and it’s ability to take you in and hold you by a hope you never knew you could have.

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August 27, 2012

This is about my someday daughter, already stung stained with insecurity begging, ‘mom, will i be pretty?’….I will wipe that question from her mouth like cheap lipstick and answer, ‘No, the word pretty is unworthy of everything you will be and no child of mine will be contained in five letters. You will be pretty intelligent, pretty creative, pretty amazing, but, you will never be merely pretty.’

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August 19, 2012
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How fickle my heart.

I.


In these bodies we will live. In these bodies we will die. 

Where you invest your love, you invest your life. 

Awake my Soul!!


II.


It’s never the wasting of time that hurts so much as the wasting of ourselves. 


III.


To do lists and planners and phone syncing and apps for this and apps for that. So much at our fingertips to make the most efficient life possible. 

But calendars can con: there are really only as many days left as you actually really live.

In the end, everyone ends up at the length of their lives — but only a few live the whole width of a life.

There must be a balance between always hurrying on to the next meeting or brushing of experience in order to cross of the the next box on the to do list. I am first to be guilty of this. Always have, always will be. I was making checklists before I could do my times tables.

But there’s another side to my Soul that craves adventures and getting dirty and experiencing new cultures- even just a culture in the inner most parts of my city where the rules and language are foreign to my own. 

And my Heart? Your Heart? We need relationships. We were made as such. 

Because Relationships are going to be the only thing standing at our funeral. 

So this is an awakening of another sort. Value is a subjective word- one which I am debating Stability vs Experience over. Value of comfort vs Value of happiness. 

IV. 

In the wisest words from Pauly D- sometimes we (I) need to “Let Go and Let God” 

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August 15, 2012
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How to Really Live

It’s like an awakening.

Sometimes I look around my office and in the grocery store, the bank, the traffic light..and everyone is so busy and on their phones “hmm mm”-ing to their loved one’s stories and trying to do so much stuff all at once but not really truly living.

I can only bow my head.

Because there are a thousand ways to be lukewarm and there’s a reason I know that. I’ve been apathetic about Grace  and casual about God and you can lose your First Love faster than you can lose the 100 meter dash. And when you lose your First Love, you don’t just lose your way — you lose your mind.

And then I read about a man who 70 plus years ago as of August 9th, changed my perception of living today.

Maximillion Kolbe. 1894-1941

At the very end of July 1941, WWII, a man escaped from Auchwitz. And the Nazis’ protocol to discourage attempts at escape was simple: One man escapes — ten men were executed in his place. So after the escape of this one man, all the men, looking like bags of bones, are called out of the barracks.

 So in front of the barracks, one man is standing: Franciszek Gajowniczek. And he’s thinking: Out of hundreds, I just have to escape being one of the 10 names.

The Nazi commandant calls the first name, second, third, fourth. Franciszek Gajowniczek hopes hard that he would live to see 42… live to hold his children close again…seventh, eighth, ninth names… And then they barked the tenth name: Franciszek Gajowniczek. He falls to the ground. Near starving, he peels back every shred of dignity and he flat out begs, ‘No, I am married! I have children! I am young! I beg of you! I will never see them again!!’

And behind him a man steps forward so all can see his face —- Maximillian Kolbe — a Polish priest. Known to give up his food rations to those less hungry than he was. A man known to give his blanket to those not as cold as he was and to be an active voice against Nazi violence… he steps forwards silently, takes off his cap, and he says:

“Let me take his place. He has a wife and children. I am not married. I am not a father. He is young. I am old. Take me.”

Maximilian Kolbe was only 6 years older than Gajowniczek — 47.

And Kolbe, he was dragged off like a dog with the nine other men, left to starve.

He then spent the next 14 days singing hymns and praying with those nine other men, as one by one, all of them starved to death… And only one month prior to Kolbe being dragged off to starve, he had written this to his mom:

‘Dear Mama, I am in the camp of Auschwitz. Everything is well in my regard. Be tranquil about me and about my health, because the good God is everywhere and provides for everything with love.’”

That last line gets me. Lump in my throat as I realize this:  If a man in the midst of one the most hideous scenarios known in the history of the world could write a line like that — not from a bad day at the office or a hard day with the kids, but from the death stench of Auschwitz — how can anyone deny this ultimate iron-clad testimony : A Good God is everywhere — and provides for everything with love.  

How can I believe anything different when the obligations pile and the relationships are wearing and I’m buried in worries and a friend tells me the doctors have given her 60-90 days to live and even breathing can cause this pain in your chest?

If Maximilian Kolbe could stand in Auschwitz and write “Be tranquil — because the good God is everywhere and provides for everything with love” — is there ever really anything that should make one lose tranquility? That peace that is supposed to surpass understanding- does it really? Or is it LIMITED to my own (very meek) understanding? The good God is everywhere and provides for everything with love.

At the end of the 14 days, when Kolbe was still alive — still alive and still singing and breathing and giving thanks to God — the Nazi’s plunged a lethal injection into Maximillian Kolbe.

What line was I singing back in January in Atlanta when everything seemed to be going perfectly? “Bless the Lord, O my soul, Worship His holy name…” Let me be singing that in voice and in soul and in spirit all my days.

We often sing it but who lives it?

Kolbe had. And the Nazis had tossed his body into a mass grave.

Maximillian Kolbe was the first man who had ever offered his life for another man in the history of Auschwitz.

He would be the only man.

The man who saw that a good God is everywhere and provides for everything with love.

And Gajowniczek?  Gajowniczek would live to be released from Auschwitz. His sons were all killed. But he found his wife and a small home in Poland.He said this:

‘Because of Maximilian Kolbe, every breath that I take, every thing that I do, every single moment, is to me — -like a gift.’”

I am Gajowniczek. I deserve nothing and yet I have so much. How do I so quickly forget that and so easily remember this year so far of challenges and forget the blessings? How can I not sing thanks from my core, my bones and radiate love? How can any of it be less than a gift?

It’s time to be tired of being the living dead.

There is breath in my lungs.And rain on the window and people I love and a cup of tea right here in my lap and provision and shelter and there is today and health and who doesn’t unwrap all these gifts with utter thanks?

I don’t want to act frivolously. Because every. Single. Moment is full of meaning. Because it is all a gift to me from the One who gave me life that I might breathe this breath and embrace every moment and never take anything for granted.

It’s all a gift.

“Four years after his martyrdom, on August 9th, 1945, the atomic bomb was dropped on Nagasaki but the monastery that Maximilian had founded years before WWII. Miraculously it survived. Maximilian’s Feast Day, when people around the world (who knew!?) celebrate his life and sainthood as a hero, falls one week after Nagasaki Day.”

Each year- a week is spent reflecting on the best and worst that human beings are capable of.

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August 14, 2012
“Racism isn’t born, folks. It’s taught. I have a 2-year-old son. Know what he hates? Naps. End of list.”

— Denis Leary, 1992

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July 31, 2012
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“Why is it only in darkness that we remember what sustained us even in the light?”

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July 29, 2012

Life can take the strongest man, and make him feel so alone

(Now and then i feel a cold wind blowin’ through my aching bones)
I think back to what my daddy said
He said, boy, in the darkness before the dawn

He used to say the soulshine- (It’s better than sunshine, it’s better than moonshine)
Damn sure better than rain
Hey now people don’t mind
We all get this way sometimes
Got to let your soul shine- (Shine ‘til the break of day)

Sometimes a man can feel this emptiness. Like a woman has robbed him of his very soul
A woman too, god knows, she can feel like this
But hey, when your world seems cold- You got to let your spirit take control

He used to say the soulshine- (It’s better than sunshine, it’s better than moonshine)
Damn sure better than rain
Hey now people don’t mind
We all get this way sometimes
Got to let your soul shine- (Shine ‘til the break of day)

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July 24, 2012
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11 Signs you are becoming like your parents

 

11. You see a teenage couple kissing at Starbucks and your thought progression goes something like… “Gosh, they can’t be older than fourteen. I mean what is she wearing? OH NO HE DIDN’T – Where the freak is his hand going?! If I was this girl’s parents…Do these kids even have parents? I’m going over to break up this lovefest right now…

10. Gas mileage. Two words that where as relevant to you growing up as Mikhail Gorbachev, now pervade your thoughts.

9. You now understand what your parents meant when they said you’ll understand when you get older.

8. You don’t have any kids, but find yourself thinking about all the chores you’re going to make them do once you do.

7. You begin discussions with “Can you believe kids these days?”

6. The Budget. Dave Ramsey, now your greatest ally — and enemy. Growing up, threats of the “budget” trumped all trips to Disneyland and water-slides in the backyard. Now it’s back calling the shots. Bye-bye designer jeans. Hello 10% savings.

5. 10:00 p.m. is late. 11:00 p.m. is dangerous. 12:00 is insanity. 1:00 am is a fairy tale you remember experiencing in college.

4. The current state of your carpet, counters, and kitchen sink dramatically affect your day.

3. The one thing your mom or dad did growing up that bugged the Pop-Tarts out of you — you know what it is. That thing you cried into a pillow over, swearing you would never repeat.

Yeah, well, you do it.

Then deny that you did it. Then two weeks later, you do it again.

Then swear it was a fluke. Then do it again. Then you’re Googling….Therapist/Psychologist/Bar in my area…

2. You realize that cars actually have safety ratings. “How hot will I look driving this thing”, no longer trumps the buying decision (At least not entirely)

1.  (Hasn’t happened YET)…but..You have your first kid and realize what it’s like to be young, a parent, and have no freaking clue what you’re doing! And for the first time in your life, you actually begin to understand your parents.

There it is — eleven signs you’re becoming like your parents. Taken from my new favorite blog http://allgroanup.com/

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July 14, 2012
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“women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.”

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June 12, 2012
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Dear young women,stop standing around waiting for some handsome man to ask you out. RUN! For goodness sakes give them something to chase after!

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May 10, 2012

“Peace is not something you wish for; It’s something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away.” Robert Fulghum

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April 07, 2012
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prayfordaisy:

Daisy’s new song

(Source: prayfordaisy)

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March 14, 2012
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Why Guarding Your Heart Isn’t Enough.

At some point, you have to go all in.

Christians love to talk about “guarding your heart,” especially in the context of relationships. 

But to me, it sounds like a cliché. And I hate clichés.

When it comes to our relationships, I think we’re missing something. Jesus summarizes our highest command as: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these” (Mark 12:30-31).

If the heart is only one quarter of the greatest commandment in the Bible, why are we emphasizing the heart like it’s the only factor in love? And what of Jeremiah’s claim that: “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure? Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9)

Perhaps love doesn’t begin with romance—and goes much deeper than the heart.

Going “All In” for Love

According to Mark 12:30, Jesus wants us to be all in. And when we love Him with our all, it will help shape our perspective of earthly relationships, romantic and otherwise. When we are totally firm and secure in God’s love for us, we will be less worried about “guarding our hearts” from pain and heartbreak as we relate to others.

Jesus is the greatest example of this. He loved His Father so much He was not afraid of getting hurt by loving others. On the contrary, He died for relationships. Jesus sacrificed everything for love. He did this to restore not only our relationship with Him but our relationships with each other. His body was broken for us—not just His heart. Clearly, Jesus wasn’t afraid of a broken heart, mind or body. What would happen if we had the same perspective?

Relationships are risky business, and there’s no guarantee you won’t end up with a broken heart. But because of Christ’s love, the fear of a broken heart no longer has to be the motivating factor. 1 John 4:18 says: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” We can fulfill the greatest commandment because of God’s perfect example in the flesh.

Christ’s mission was to leave Paradise and sacrifice Himself on the altar of love. Even when it appears Jesus struggles with going through with this plan, He prays: “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will” (Matthew 26:42). His whole life was dedicated to making us whole; He loved us with His mind, body, heart and strength so that we might also be able to love wholly.

The Heart’s Best Defense

In my early 20s, I was always afraid of getting into a relationship for fear I’d get hurt. I’d try to do everything perfect. Not that my behavior was wrong, but sometimes we can be more concerned with getting things right and checking off all the relationship boxes that we even miss the compatibility factor. The idea of being “in a relationship” just seems more appealing than being single. It’s easy to obsess so much about getting relationships perfect that we forget about our most important relationship—our relationship with God.

When our concern for God becomes clouded or replaced entirely by pursuing, pleasing and protecting our earthly relationships, we’re in danger. If we’re not paying attention, we can easily miss what God is trying to show us about our relationships. He’s ready to show us how much we can accomplish for Him regardless of our relationship status.

From the moment we wake up to the moment we lay our head down, we have the grand opportunity and honor to shower God with our love.

How can we love God with our all? Through prayer, thank God daily for the things He has so graciously given. Expectantly read the Word, asking God to speak. For the nature lovers, take a walk outdoors and remind yourself of God’s creation, of your part in an incredible love story. For the person on the go, if your schedule won’t allow any extra time, recall a verse from memory, or be mindful as you thank God for your meals. Over time, watch as your love grows while you remain in Him.

Spiritual discipline may not seem like the most glamorous relationship advice, but it can literally restore your heart, mind, body and strength. The next time someone tells you the “just guard your heart” cliché, you can confidently share with him or her that the best defense of the heart is to first give it fully to God.

-Renee Fisher